CHEWIN' THE KBs - RONALD VILLIERS
THE P45 CLAUS
RONALD VILLIERS, DRESSED AS SANTA CLAUS, BUT WITH TRADEMARK SCARF STILL ROUND HIS NECK AND TUCKED UNDER HIS ROBE’S BELT, SITS UNCOMFORTABLY ON A LARGE ORNATE CHAIR IN A GROTTO, FLANKED BY TWO MODEL REINDEER. HIS ENGLISH STORE MANAGER STANDS BEFORE HIM, SPEAKING TO HIM TERSELY.
MANAGER
Right Ronald, we had a lot of complaints from the kids yesterday…
RONALD
Aye, well it was taking me a wee while tae get intae character… I was trying tae find ma motivation.
MANAGER
I’ll give you motivation Ronald…P45! Now I’m watching you. Screw up one more time, and you’re out the door, alright?
THE MANAGER JABS THE DIRECTION OUT WITH HIS THUMB, BEFORE TURNING TO EXIT. RONALD FOLLOWS HIS DEPARTURE.
RONALD
Oh, right, thanks. Aye, ah think I’ve got it noo. Nae worries.
SURE OF THE MANAGER’S DEPARTURE HE SETTLES BACK IN HIS SEAT AND CONTINUES..
RONALD
Awffy touchy there. For nothin’ an’ a’.
A SMALL CHILD STRIDES PURPOSEFULLY FORWARD AND SITS ON HIS KNEE. RONALD KICKS INTO ACTION.
RONALD
Yo-ho-ho…ho! What d’ye want for yer Christmas, then?
CHILD
(Precociously)
You’re not the real Santa!
RONALD
Aye, ah um! Don’t be kerryin’ oan, noo. Eh...yo-ho-ho…ho! Whit have ye asked Santa for?...eh, me!...eh, whit did ye ask me for?
CHILD
I sent you a letter! Did you not get it?
RONALD IS FEARFUL OF PUTTING A FOOT WRONG.
RONALD
Eh, no…aye! I mean…I get loadsa letters, but they're a’ up at the North Pole…an’ I’m doon here tae the end o’ next week. Can ye no’ mind whit was in it?
CHILD
I asked the real Santa for a laptop, a nintendo wii, an ipod and a mobile phone.
RONALD
Eh, right y’are...an’ a selection box, eh? Wee chocolate things a’ wrapped up in silver paper...in a wee box an’ that…wi’ snakes an’ ladders on the back, eh?
RONALD LEANS OVER TO A SACK A PULLS OUT A SMALL PRESENT WHICH HE HOLDS BEFORE THE CHILD.
RONALD
Have you been a good wee boay...or lassie? Eh...whit ur ye?
CHILD
(Annoyed)
I’m a boy!
PETULANTLY, THE CHILD GRABS THE PARCEL AND LEAPS FROM HIS KNEE.
CHILD
You’re the worst Santa, ever!...and you smell of chips!
AS THE CHILD STORMS OFF, THE MANAGER ENTERS WITH RONALD’S HAT AND COAT
MANAGER
Right, Ronald. I’ve seen enough. Merry Christmas.
HE TOSSES THE CLOTHES AT RONALD AND EXITS. RONALD TAKES OFF HIS SANTA SUIT AND PUTS ON HIS COAT AND HAT.
RONALD
That’s right enough what they say that…never work wi’ children…
RONALD GLANCES INDIGNANTLY AT THE MODEL RUDOLPH THE REINDEER WHOSE NOSE IS FLASHING, AS HE LEAVES.
…or animals!
RONALD VILLIERS, DRESSED AS SANTA CLAUS, BUT WITH TRADEMARK SCARF STILL ROUND HIS NECK AND TUCKED UNDER HIS ROBE’S BELT, SITS UNCOMFORTABLY ON A LARGE ORNATE CHAIR IN A GROTTO, FLANKED BY TWO MODEL REINDEER. HIS ENGLISH STORE MANAGER STANDS BEFORE HIM, SPEAKING TO HIM TERSELY.
MANAGER
Right Ronald, we had a lot of complaints from the kids yesterday…
RONALD
Aye, well it was taking me a wee while tae get intae character… I was trying tae find ma motivation.
MANAGER
I’ll give you motivation Ronald…P45! Now I’m watching you. Screw up one more time, and you’re out the door, alright?
THE MANAGER JABS THE DIRECTION OUT WITH HIS THUMB, BEFORE TURNING TO EXIT. RONALD FOLLOWS HIS DEPARTURE.
RONALD
Oh, right, thanks. Aye, ah think I’ve got it noo. Nae worries.
SURE OF THE MANAGER’S DEPARTURE HE SETTLES BACK IN HIS SEAT AND CONTINUES..
RONALD
Awffy touchy there. For nothin’ an’ a’.
A SMALL CHILD STRIDES PURPOSEFULLY FORWARD AND SITS ON HIS KNEE. RONALD KICKS INTO ACTION.
RONALD
Yo-ho-ho…ho! What d’ye want for yer Christmas, then?
CHILD
(Precociously)
You’re not the real Santa!
RONALD
Aye, ah um! Don’t be kerryin’ oan, noo. Eh...yo-ho-ho…ho! Whit have ye asked Santa for?...eh, me!...eh, whit did ye ask me for?
CHILD
I sent you a letter! Did you not get it?
RONALD IS FEARFUL OF PUTTING A FOOT WRONG.
RONALD
Eh, no…aye! I mean…I get loadsa letters, but they're a’ up at the North Pole…an’ I’m doon here tae the end o’ next week. Can ye no’ mind whit was in it?
CHILD
I asked the real Santa for a laptop, a nintendo wii, an ipod and a mobile phone.
RONALD
Eh, right y’are...an’ a selection box, eh? Wee chocolate things a’ wrapped up in silver paper...in a wee box an’ that…wi’ snakes an’ ladders on the back, eh?
RONALD LEANS OVER TO A SACK A PULLS OUT A SMALL PRESENT WHICH HE HOLDS BEFORE THE CHILD.
RONALD
Have you been a good wee boay...or lassie? Eh...whit ur ye?
CHILD
(Annoyed)
I’m a boy!
PETULANTLY, THE CHILD GRABS THE PARCEL AND LEAPS FROM HIS KNEE.
CHILD
You’re the worst Santa, ever!...and you smell of chips!
AS THE CHILD STORMS OFF, THE MANAGER ENTERS WITH RONALD’S HAT AND COAT
MANAGER
Right, Ronald. I’ve seen enough. Merry Christmas.
HE TOSSES THE CLOTHES AT RONALD AND EXITS. RONALD TAKES OFF HIS SANTA SUIT AND PUTS ON HIS COAT AND HAT.
RONALD
That’s right enough what they say that…never work wi’ children…
RONALD GLANCES INDIGNANTLY AT THE MODEL RUDOLPH THE REINDEER WHOSE NOSE IS FLASHING, AS HE LEAVES.
…or animals!
posted by wardperfect at 9:58 pm
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