CHEWIN' THE KBs - JACK AND VICTOR
WAITING FOR GORDON
JACK & VICTOR WAIT AT THE BOTTOM OF A BLEAK LOOKING BLOCK OF FLATS FOR THEIR MATE, GORDON, WHO WILL MAKE UP A THREESOME FOR THE BOWLS COMPETITION…
JACK
Where the hell is he? That’s quarter past. We’re gaunny be bloody late noo! He’s aye the same.
VICTOR
We’ll gie him five mair minutes then we gauny hiv tae go up for him.
JACK LOOKS UP AT THE BLOCK OF FLATS.
JACK
He’s a bloody nuisance, so he is!
VICTOR
We should’ve got auld Andy oot the sheltered housin’.
THE TWO HAPLESS FRIENDS MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE LIFTS ONLY TO FIND BOTH OF THEM OUT OF ORDER. UNFORTUNATELY GORDON LIVES ON THE TWELFTH FLOOR. WITH BOWLING BAGS IN HAND, THEY SET OFF UP THE STAIRS. SOME TIME LATER THEY ARRIVE, BREATHLESS, AT THE TWELFTH.
VICTOR
I’ll stick these bowls up his arse when ah get a haud o’ him.
JACK
Whit? Yer new bowls?
VICTOR SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST AND THE TWO MAKE THEIR WAY TO GORDON’S DOOR, WHICH IS SLIGHTLY OPEN. JACK & VICTOR ENTER.
JACK
Are you there, Gordon? It’s Jack an’ Victor. Are ye there?
THEY ENTER THE LIVING ROOM. GORDON, WITH HIS BACK TO THEM, IS SEATED IN AN ARMCHAIR FACING THE TELEVISION.
VICTOR
He’s fell asleep watching the bloody telly!
JACK
Nae wonder wi’ that keech on. That ‘Loose Women’ would put anybody tae sleep. Come on, Gordon! Gie yersel’ a shake. The bowls competition starts in hauf an’ hour.
VICTOR
He’s no’ even shaved yet. We’ll be here a’ day. Come on you!
GORDON DOES NOT STIR. THEY SHAKE HIM AGAIN.
VICTOR
Here Jack, he’s bloody freezin’!
JACK TOUCHING RADIATOR.
JACK
Nae wonder. The tight-fisted auld bastard’ll no’ run his heatin’.
VICTOR
Jack, this is no’ lookin’ good.
JACK
Aye, we’re gauny have tae forfeit the tie at this rate.
VICTOR
Naw, I mean, I think Gordon’s…deid!
JACK COMES OVER TO INSPECT HIM CLOSER, AND DOES SOME RUDIMENTARY EXAMINATION. HE TAKES A MIRROR DOWN AND HOLDS IT OVER THE OLD MAN’S NOSE & MOUTH TO CHECK FOR BREATH. HE THEN TAKES HIS BOWLING BADGE OUT OF HIS LAPEL AND STICKS IT INTO GORDON.
JACK
Jeezus Christ, so he is!
THEY BOTH INVOLUNTARILY STEP BACK FROM THE BODY.
VICTOR
We’re gauny have tae phone the polis an’ a doctor an’ a’ that.
JACK
Y’know, I don’t even know if he’s got a phone.
THEY SEARCH THE HOUSE FOR A PHONE. IN DOING SO THEY COME ACROSS HIS TEA LAID OUT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
JACK
His home help must’ve left a wee bit o’ tea oot for him last night tae heat up for his dinner.
JACK INVESTIGATES.
JACK
Nice pork luncheon meat wi’ mashed totties, wee bit carrot and peas. And plenty o’ it. No’ a bad wee tightener, that.
VICTOR
Oh, don’t be touching it, Jack! It might be contaminated
JACK
Och, don’t be daft you. He never even got to eat it. Anyway, [HE PICKS UP TIN THAT IT CAME FROM] it’s only three days past it’s sell by date. That’s practically brand new for pork luncheon meat.
VICTOR
Gie’s a bit then, ya greedy bugger!
THE TWO THEN MOOCH AROUND THE FLAT FINDING ITEMS THAT GORDON HAS BORROWED AT SOME TIME BUT HAS FAILED TO RETURN, INCLUDING A PRIZED BOWLING SHIELD.
JACK
Ah kept asking him for this! It was my turn to have it!
JACK ADDS THE SHIELD TO OTHER ITEMS HE AND VICTOR HAVE ACCRUED. SOON, THEY NEED TO BORROW GORDON’S WASHING BASKET TO PUT ALL THE STUFF INTO. REALISING NOW THAT THERE IS NO PHONE IN THE HOUSE THEY MAKE TO GO OUT THE DOOR WITH THEIR RECLAIMED POSSESSIONS. AS THEY DO, A NEIGHBOUR AND TWO POLICEMEN ENTER AND CATCH THEM ‘RED-HANDED’. THEY TRY TO EXPLAIN THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES, THAT THEY FOUND GORDON ‘BROON BREID’ WHEN THEY ENTERED, BUT THE POLICEMEN DECIDE TO TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE STATION FOR QUESTIONING. PROTESTATIONS THAT THE BOWLS MATCH STARTS IN TWENTY MINUTES FALLS ON DEAF EARS.
DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION THEY ARE FORCED TO WAIT ALONGSIDE A HARDENED CRIMINAL. HE LAUGHS OFF THEIR TALE OF INNOCENCE, AND CHASTISES THEM FOR COMMITTING CRIMES AT THEIR AGE. IN TIME, THEY ARE INTERVIEWED AND DULY RELEASED WITHOUT CHARGE, THOUGH THE WASHING BASKET FULL OF THEIR POSSESSION IS RETAINED. WITH THE BOWLS MATCH MISSED, AND WELL OUT OF THEIR WAY, THEY MAKE FOR HOME, REFLECTING ON LIFE AS THEY DO SO.
JACK
Poor Gordon, eh? Y’see that’s what happens when you live alone at oor age. Ye never know when the auld grim reaper’s gawnny call. One minute pork luncheon meat, the next…dead meat.
VICTOR SHIVERS AT THE PROSPECT.
VICTOR
It’s a bugger bein’ on yer Jack Jones, eh?
JACK
Aye.
VICTOR
Still, at least when you’re on your own, you’ve got yer privacy, eh?. I mean ye’ve no’ got emdy in yer hoose, rakin’ aboot a’ yer stuff.
JACK PULLS OUT THE BOWLING SHIELD FROM INSIDE HIS JACKET AND ADMIRES IT.
JACK [WINKS] Aye, there is that.
JACK & VICTOR WAIT AT THE BOTTOM OF A BLEAK LOOKING BLOCK OF FLATS FOR THEIR MATE, GORDON, WHO WILL MAKE UP A THREESOME FOR THE BOWLS COMPETITION…
JACK
Where the hell is he? That’s quarter past. We’re gaunny be bloody late noo! He’s aye the same.
VICTOR
We’ll gie him five mair minutes then we gauny hiv tae go up for him.
JACK LOOKS UP AT THE BLOCK OF FLATS.
JACK
He’s a bloody nuisance, so he is!
VICTOR
We should’ve got auld Andy oot the sheltered housin’.
THE TWO HAPLESS FRIENDS MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE LIFTS ONLY TO FIND BOTH OF THEM OUT OF ORDER. UNFORTUNATELY GORDON LIVES ON THE TWELFTH FLOOR. WITH BOWLING BAGS IN HAND, THEY SET OFF UP THE STAIRS. SOME TIME LATER THEY ARRIVE, BREATHLESS, AT THE TWELFTH.
VICTOR
I’ll stick these bowls up his arse when ah get a haud o’ him.
JACK
Whit? Yer new bowls?
VICTOR SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST AND THE TWO MAKE THEIR WAY TO GORDON’S DOOR, WHICH IS SLIGHTLY OPEN. JACK & VICTOR ENTER.
JACK
Are you there, Gordon? It’s Jack an’ Victor. Are ye there?
THEY ENTER THE LIVING ROOM. GORDON, WITH HIS BACK TO THEM, IS SEATED IN AN ARMCHAIR FACING THE TELEVISION.
VICTOR
He’s fell asleep watching the bloody telly!
JACK
Nae wonder wi’ that keech on. That ‘Loose Women’ would put anybody tae sleep. Come on, Gordon! Gie yersel’ a shake. The bowls competition starts in hauf an’ hour.
VICTOR
He’s no’ even shaved yet. We’ll be here a’ day. Come on you!
GORDON DOES NOT STIR. THEY SHAKE HIM AGAIN.
VICTOR
Here Jack, he’s bloody freezin’!
JACK TOUCHING RADIATOR.
JACK
Nae wonder. The tight-fisted auld bastard’ll no’ run his heatin’.
VICTOR
Jack, this is no’ lookin’ good.
JACK
Aye, we’re gauny have tae forfeit the tie at this rate.
VICTOR
Naw, I mean, I think Gordon’s…deid!
JACK COMES OVER TO INSPECT HIM CLOSER, AND DOES SOME RUDIMENTARY EXAMINATION. HE TAKES A MIRROR DOWN AND HOLDS IT OVER THE OLD MAN’S NOSE & MOUTH TO CHECK FOR BREATH. HE THEN TAKES HIS BOWLING BADGE OUT OF HIS LAPEL AND STICKS IT INTO GORDON.
JACK
Jeezus Christ, so he is!
THEY BOTH INVOLUNTARILY STEP BACK FROM THE BODY.
VICTOR
We’re gauny have tae phone the polis an’ a doctor an’ a’ that.
JACK
Y’know, I don’t even know if he’s got a phone.
THEY SEARCH THE HOUSE FOR A PHONE. IN DOING SO THEY COME ACROSS HIS TEA LAID OUT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
JACK
His home help must’ve left a wee bit o’ tea oot for him last night tae heat up for his dinner.
JACK INVESTIGATES.
JACK
Nice pork luncheon meat wi’ mashed totties, wee bit carrot and peas. And plenty o’ it. No’ a bad wee tightener, that.
VICTOR
Oh, don’t be touching it, Jack! It might be contaminated
JACK
Och, don’t be daft you. He never even got to eat it. Anyway, [HE PICKS UP TIN THAT IT CAME FROM] it’s only three days past it’s sell by date. That’s practically brand new for pork luncheon meat.
VICTOR
Gie’s a bit then, ya greedy bugger!
THE TWO THEN MOOCH AROUND THE FLAT FINDING ITEMS THAT GORDON HAS BORROWED AT SOME TIME BUT HAS FAILED TO RETURN, INCLUDING A PRIZED BOWLING SHIELD.
JACK
Ah kept asking him for this! It was my turn to have it!
JACK ADDS THE SHIELD TO OTHER ITEMS HE AND VICTOR HAVE ACCRUED. SOON, THEY NEED TO BORROW GORDON’S WASHING BASKET TO PUT ALL THE STUFF INTO. REALISING NOW THAT THERE IS NO PHONE IN THE HOUSE THEY MAKE TO GO OUT THE DOOR WITH THEIR RECLAIMED POSSESSIONS. AS THEY DO, A NEIGHBOUR AND TWO POLICEMEN ENTER AND CATCH THEM ‘RED-HANDED’. THEY TRY TO EXPLAIN THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES, THAT THEY FOUND GORDON ‘BROON BREID’ WHEN THEY ENTERED, BUT THE POLICEMEN DECIDE TO TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE STATION FOR QUESTIONING. PROTESTATIONS THAT THE BOWLS MATCH STARTS IN TWENTY MINUTES FALLS ON DEAF EARS.
DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION THEY ARE FORCED TO WAIT ALONGSIDE A HARDENED CRIMINAL. HE LAUGHS OFF THEIR TALE OF INNOCENCE, AND CHASTISES THEM FOR COMMITTING CRIMES AT THEIR AGE. IN TIME, THEY ARE INTERVIEWED AND DULY RELEASED WITHOUT CHARGE, THOUGH THE WASHING BASKET FULL OF THEIR POSSESSION IS RETAINED. WITH THE BOWLS MATCH MISSED, AND WELL OUT OF THEIR WAY, THEY MAKE FOR HOME, REFLECTING ON LIFE AS THEY DO SO.
JACK
Poor Gordon, eh? Y’see that’s what happens when you live alone at oor age. Ye never know when the auld grim reaper’s gawnny call. One minute pork luncheon meat, the next…dead meat.
VICTOR SHIVERS AT THE PROSPECT.
VICTOR
It’s a bugger bein’ on yer Jack Jones, eh?
JACK
Aye.
VICTOR
Still, at least when you’re on your own, you’ve got yer privacy, eh?. I mean ye’ve no’ got emdy in yer hoose, rakin’ aboot a’ yer stuff.
JACK PULLS OUT THE BOWLING SHIELD FROM INSIDE HIS JACKET AND ADMIRES IT.
JACK [WINKS] Aye, there is that.
posted by wardperfect at 9:42 pm
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